From Darkness, to Light

I’ve mentioned before that I have a 6 year old little boy. This kid is my entire world! He is extremely active and loves to play, be loud, throw himself around, you know, all the things little boys love to do. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and I sit back trying to think what life was like without him. It’s funny, looking back life seemed so dark before he was born. Then all of a sudden, he entered the world and it was like the sun came out for the very first time.

Although it may not have necessarily seemed that way at first. Most likely that’s because I was working in a career at that time, that seemed to be hiding the light from my eyes. It’s like I had all of the windows covered, sun glasses on, and my face shielded from the light for about the first 6 months to a year of his life. I loved the darkness. I invited the darkness into my life. I thrived in the darkness, daily. I’ve always said, that I perform my best in chaos. That’s still true to this day, however when I was in public safety, it was more so the case then. As excited as I was for my son to enter the world, I wasn’t ready to give up what I loved. That’s not to say that every person working in the field feels that way. That’s certainly not the case. But for whatever reason, that was the case for me.

I remember on my day’s off, I couldn’t wait to go back to work, even though I hated it at the same time. It was a love hate relationship. I hated being at work and couldn’t wait to go home, and vis versa. How could I go somewhere and enjoy being miserable? It’s rather simple actually. I knew what each day looked like while I was at work. I knew my role when I was on the clock. I knew what was expected of me. This was especially true working in the city where our call volume was insane. When I would work at the fire department though, it was different.

Working in the city, I knew that I would be running my ass off. I knew that there were people calling for my help, and needing me at their worst moments. Oddly enough, even though I had a newborn and a wife, I didn’t feel the same need when I was at home. I felt lazy, and didn’t want to do a damn thing. I didn’t feel like I needed to do anything. I hated this world so much. I hated the way people treated other people. The way people treated MY people. I remember doing plenty of things with my family on my days off, but I couldn’t recall the entire day worth of activities we would do. I remember holding him, and loving him. I remember him falling asleep on my chest or in his rocker right next to me. I remember feeling like he was the greatest thing to ever happen to be. But I also remember feeling so dark. I remember feeling like the lights were off everywhere, or like it was winter 365 days out of the year. It was a strange mix of emotions for awhile.

But then something happened. I was able to leave. I was able to walk away from the job I loved so much, but it didn’t love me back. I remember entering into a new career path and slowly, I started to find happiness again. I didn’t exactly love where I was working at the time, but I loved the time I had with my family. I used to wonder why that was the case. Why was I so happy to leave a field that I had wanted to be in my entire life? I had worked so hard to get where I was, and now I’m throwing all of that away? All of the friendships and education I had worked so hard to get, but I’m excited to move on? Why?

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve been reading the Bible daily. I’ve been praying to God daily and asking for His forgiveness every time I pray. I’ve been going to Church (only once so far), and trying to learn more about Him. It took nearly a week of doing this to start getting some answers. It’s not that God wasn’t providing me with those answers during that time. It’s that I wasn’t listening. God was giving me the answers to my questions. He was hearing my cries for help, and my prayers about what to do next. God knew, before I was born, that I would be sitting here, at this moment, in my work truck, typing all of this out. Hew knew that I would begin this journey to find Him, and be closer to Him. I just needed to figure it out for myself.

I still make mistakes. I’m not the greatest father in the world, nor will I be. But I’m much happier today than I was 5 years ago. I’m on a better path now. One that I know I was meant to be on. Not saying I wasn’t meant to do those other jobs over the years. If it wasn’t for those jobs, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I was meant to be an EMT, a firefighter, a security officer, a corrections officer, etc. I was meant to have all of those titles, and perform all of those duties asked of me, to become closer to Him. I was meant to do those things to have the family that I have today, to have the son I have today. Just like I truly feel like I am meant to have this podcast, and write these blogs. I may not reach everyone. I may not have the #1 podcast of the year, or most popular blog. I may not write the next New York’s Best Selling Book, or any of those things. That’s ok! If I can help just one person with whatever problem they are going through by reading my blogs or listening to my podcast, that’s all that matters to me.

So understand this. If you are angry, sad, confused, whatever. If you aren’t sure if you’re on the right path, take some time and have a conversation with God. Sit in your room at night, and just talk to God like you’re talking to your best friend. It doesn’t have to be a formal prayer, or a reading from Psalms. Just have a conversation and ask God what He wants you to do. The trick is to open your mind and listen to His words. It’s going to take time. You may not receive the answer you are looking for immediately, but you have to start somewhere.